Been Awhile

Hey there world/the small segment that reads this.  I am here, and you are here; we are here.  Light is still moving fast, and gravity is staying strong.  Time seems to be working pretty linearly, at least for us.  I must confess that I broke my New Year’s resolution.  I usually don’t make one, but I was feeling altruistically inspired.  Self-honesty.  The ability to look within and be open to see what is there.  Very helpful, more difficult than I thought.  See, I became acutely aware of everyone’s problematic behavior, and nature, around me.  Their shortcomings threatened to overrun my powers of observation.  My frustration went up, along with my sense of entitlement.  My self-honesty shriveled and took with it empathy and humility.  I began to fall apart in little ways.  My arrogance travelled from one part of my being (my intellectual abilities) to the totality of my self.  Paranoia and insecurity locked arms in a dizzying dance.  Then, I freaked out and yelled at my wife (profanity included) over a spreadsheet.  yeah, that happened.  I said “enough, this cannot happen” again.  So, I sought to make some moves like a big baller.  I doubled down on contentions, assertions, accusations, and ultimatums.  But, big ole but, I discovered the problem was not with some exterior machinations.  A good friend pointed me toward something I had been neglecting: my wife.  You see (I didn’t see) there was this plan in my mind.  I thought that I would “focus on work during a heavy time”, but it turned out that the genie was allergic to the bottle.  When I decided to essentially put my family on the back burner, I did not realize that my brain and heart would change.  Temporary priority shift of fundamental priorities is not a situation that the soul really registers.  Translation:  I do not possess the metaphysical sophistication to play merry go round with the blessings in my life.  And what about God?  Oh, yes, yes, yes.  God had my back.  God knows how hard it is to have a lot of work to do.  God totally understands sacrificing relationships for personal edification, or wait, is it the other way around?  So what do you do when you realize God doesn’t “have your back”, he “has your life”?  What do you do when you realize your wife doesn’t trust you and your investment in your daughter’s life is based on your terms, rather than her need?  You remind yourself of an important self honesty concept: I am a terrible person.  Well, pretty terrible.  I am selfish, and while ignoring the redemptive love of Jesus and its consequent salvation, I will remain as such.  Have I killed anyone, had an affair, or cheated anyone of their money?  No, not strictly speaking.  I could go on here, but this is not a sermon.  It is a confession.  It is a confession of guilt and ignorance, which doesn’t mitigate the guilt.  I long for restoration and have turned my plow toward it.  (I am writing this, right?)  Self-honesty.  Try it out.  It’s pretty cool, but not always fun.  Whatever you see may be ugly, but it need not be permanent.  I pray that is the case for me.  Have a good night/morning/day.

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