And then I went here, and then I did this.  It is easy to reduce our life to an itinerary, but that is obviously quite superficial.  As the old adage reminds us, we are human beings, not human doings.  Full frontal mental and emotional nudity is not the kind of vulnerable expression the Internet is famous for.  When you do encounter “real self awareness” it is often sensationalized to the point of dubious veracity.  Cartoons are easier to take than simple etchings in the sinews of the soul.  That being said, what I share here will have a tough time living up to my intro, possibly.  Let’s see.

November 20, 2018

Well, it’s still morning time, so no events of great significance or moment have yet occurred.  Perhaps, as they develop and reveal themselves, I will return here to unfold them.  Perhaps not.  I have the computer at hand, so I    thought now would be a good time to write.  It turns out that life can be confusing and complex in case you haven’t noticed.  So many thoughts and emotions vie for our attention like eager club goers seeking entrance to the big show.  I guess the secret is to have a good bouncer, one who recognizes the good and tosses out the bad.  The thing is that just doesn’t happen by itself.  Intentionality and routine are two useful tools, but I think the greatest help is defined purpose.  Marathon runners know they are going to run twenty-six miles, and consequently, they practice run to an extent that makes me nauseated even thinking about.  When someone knows they will be running for political office, they start by going through the drive-thru, ordering fifty hamburgers, and driving away without picking them up or paying.  (Sorry if that last part of the sentence didn’t flow congruently.  I    was interrupted by the startlingly hypnotic cry of “I went poop!” repeated  with a-melodic consistent rhythm.  It was my daughter (not my wife).  As they say, “Poop happens.”  Anyhoo, purpose is paramount.  Know your why, as they say.  I have to thank Jesus for making it real simple:

“ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ c 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ d 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Oh, snap!  Well, simple but definitely not easy.  Love God; love your neighbor; love yourself.  I  will unpack this later at length.  For now, I  have to make some calls.  SWAT reached out to me and asked me to provide some training for the teams.  Sorry, just practicing for that politician thing.  I     don’t think I could bring myself to do Wendy’s dirty like that, maybe McDonald’s.  As always, there is so much more to say.

November 19, 2018

This blog is finally starting to take shape!  I  made the leap, and I am now paying four dollars a month to have the caves of WordPress open their jewels to me (sounds a little creepy, I know).  I am not obsessed with working on this, but I am definitely driven.  Personality tests have revealed to me that I am more excited about starting a project than finishing it.  Hopefully, my blog won’t waste away like a staunch vegetarian trapped in a slaughter house.  (That would be a great movie.)  It is Fall Break which is consequently what most older folks are trying to avoid.  My beautiful daughters are playing ping pong with various sicknesses, generously involving classmates, family and acquaintances.  This ensures that their moods are perennially sunny.  Actually, I was wondering if this morning my oldest daughter (3) storyboarded out our day after careful consideration of how to be the most annoying in any possible situation.  I wonder if this is how God feels when He looks at us.  Jesus did seem to get pretty exasperated with his crew.  Well, I just wanted to drop in a little snap-shot, so consider it snapped.

This was back in the day: July 2016.

Day 1- I am depressed.  It is the sort of thing that happens to a bipolar individual.  It is not a surprise, but an unfortunate reminder of  the tremulous nature of my mind’s equilibrium.  If it weren’t happening to me at this moment, it might be interesting in a bemused scientific way.  Regardless, I have been here before.  Sometimes for months, sometimes for more than a year.  I am hoping in this instance to set a new personal best for shortest spell.  It’s been a week so far.  If you want to place bets or something, I won’t be offended.  Exercise, routine, fun activities, sleep and all that good stuff will definitely be coming in to play.  And I won’t back down, if I believe something is important.  My brain will have to explode and dribble from my ears before I sheepishly duck my head and turn painfully away.  I may be depressed, but I am still me.  There are spiritual frequencies that I believe will also help me persist in this time of unrelenting torpor.  Well, this has been great and I think we have enough for Day One of the broken brain saga.  Hopefully, the days ahead will sing a new tune.

Day 4 months in the future-I am alright.  There exists confusion and doubt within me, but these are bolstered by hope and excitement.  With each passing day, I marvel at the growing height of my selfishness.  The values, principles, and faith I so readily give lip service to bow before the weight of my desire to do whatever I want, whenever I want.  It is hard to live with other people if you insist on putting your needs first.  Anything outside of your imposing will, that must be imposed, becomes an irritation.  And walking around irritated leads to frustration, eventually anger.  This helps no one.  Perspective is paramount.  Life is not about me.  The whooshing sound is not the world orbiting me; it is rather the sound of a cycle I initiate, precluding real interaction and intimacy.  In my current state, introspection is nauseating, as if I somehow have to justify my magnificent actions and attitudes.  Before I vomit (or you, too), I will end this illuminating vivisection.  I pray that God gives me the strength to pull my head out of my ask me later how it all works out.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s